Not smoking at this point (today marks four weeks) isn't a stressor in itself, but I have to develop a whole new approach to stressors, and I have to develop a new relationship with emotional discomfort. It's difficult, to say the least, and that's what makes this such a boss fight. Nicotine is 6 times more addictive than heroin, so this conversation I've been having at the lizard-brain level has been with me for a long time. Retraining it is difficult.

But not impossible. :)

Some of the hardest points have been letting sadness or hurt happen, something that I used smoking to distract me from or to deny altogether. And some of the sadness and hurt is really old, so it is difficult to give myself permission to spend my Now dealing with something that happened Then. Intellectually I understand that until I give the issue some sunshine it won't be released, but it's difficult to do so, and frankly, it seems that these shadow-lurkers have become friends and neighbors over the years, their keening cries of self-deprecation a familiar soundtrack, if a toxic one.

Yoga this morning released some potent emotions, not the least of which is grief.
I scheduled a sauna session this weekend and am on the waiting list for some restorative private sessions.

And more rest. Definitely need to be gentle with myself in the coming fortnight or so.
Languishing can be tricky.

I think I'm going to extend this into week 0 for the next round, since it could clearly use a bit more attention.

Side quest unlocked: today marks two weeks without a cigarette, and I feel really solid on this front.
I need a SmaugSlayer badge.

Monday is legs

Coffee happened last night, but I'm at 85 hours nicotine free. I confess that the last twelve hours have been hellish, and the only real relief finally came at the gym this morning, though a great game of Cards with my supportive partner was the best distraction from the cravings.

The gym this morning saw 15 minutes on the elliptical, then on the weights, I took a page from the Warriors - I loaded the weight up until I could barely move it, then did a set of 8. It effectively broke the craving cycle. I might have to go back in half an hour, but the relief is what is important.

I swam for about a quarter mile against the current in the wave lane of the pool. It took ten minutes and tuckered me out thoroughly. Five minutes in the hot tub and a long shower later, I'm ready for some rest and some more cinnamon tea.

Life note: I couldn't sleep worth a darn, so I wrote. I started the backstory and framework to a novel. I didn't even know I had one in there.

Simple Sunday

This morning we turned the dough into bagels, and wow, is it yummy. It's so good that we are considering ditching store-bought and making our own batch of 16 every week. Feel free to stop by for Sunday brunch around 9.

After bagels and rest time, we hit the gym. It's arms day for me, which means nearly an hour in the weights room after warm up on the elliptical. I am increasing, slowly, so it must be all to the good. Drank a litre of water during my weights hour, too.

Then I donned my new suit - board shorts for the win, ladies! - and hit the pool while Vivian splashed in the kiddie area. The hot tub at the end is ridiculously soothing. At home, we all devoured some more food - I had 3 eggs, a hamburger from last night, some Swiss cheese, mushrooms and a tomato. And cinnamon tea.

It's been over 24 hours since I've had a cup of coffee, and nearly three days since a cigarette.